It’s easy to point fingers at our exes after the breakup or divorce.  Depending on the reason for the divorce/breakup, such as infidelity, workaholic, abusive, or money, it’s difficult to accept that an ex-spouse, ex-boyfriend, or ex-girlfriend has cause you pain. It’s normal to grieve about the pain. When grieving becomes blaming, it’s very unhealthy. Blame i...

It’s easy to point fingers at our exes after the breakup or divorce.  Depending on the reason for the divorce/breakup, such as infidelity, workaholic, abusive, or money, it’s difficult to accept that an ex-spouse, ex-boyfriend, or ex-girlfriend has cause you pain. It’s normal to grieve about the pain. When grieving becomes blaming, it’s very unhealthy.

Blame is finding fault and holding a person responsible. Grieve is feeling and showing grief. With two different concepts, people often get these two words confused. I have a friend, who is divorce, talks about his ex-wife. The conversations are mostly negative with him discussing details concerning their marriage. It’s obvious that he misses her, but he claim that its grieving. I explained the difference. Constantly talking of what took place inside the relationship or rationalizing ways that could had prevent the issue is blaming. It’s extremely difficult to cope with betrayal, or a relationship with no betrayal but realizing that the relationship has ended. There should not be various blaming for months and years after the divorce/breakup. My aunt has been divorced for fifteen years, and she still blames her ex-husband for their divorce. Blame is not healthy for people. Spending less time blaming an ex-spouse, ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend means more time for growth and a full recovery. Here are 4 reasons why blaming a spouse can delay the healing process:

1. Difficult to re-connect with “you” 

Unfortunately, people have no control over situations that occur in their lives. They start to behavior different from the outcome of the divorce. Months and years have past with the behavior unnoticed because the behavior had become familiar to him. People who consistently blame are allowing the divorce/breakup and ex-spouse to have complete control over their life. Too much worrying had caused less interest and enjoyment in their social life.

Why sit around blaming? The ex-spouse, ex-boyfriend, or ex-girlfriend caused the divorce/breakup. As long as you made an effort to save the relationship, there is no need for blaming. Nothing could be done to bring her back, so start spending more time getting your enjoyment back. Start a journey on re-connecting with your “old” self.

2. Develop depression 

Overly blaming can also lead to depression. Depression is a mental illness. According to the World Health Organization website, “Depression is a common mental disorder that presents with depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy and poor concentration.” Due to depression, it will feel impossible to overcome a divorce/breakup. People will second guess their worthiness, and blaming themselves. Also, depression can lead into addictions assuming there are no other solutions. When the blame has become too much to handle, it can be very healthy.

Negative thoughts about the divorce/breakup are roaming in the mind and it’s killing the body. It can become uncontrollable. Slowly and shortly, the thoughts will take over the mind. One or more of the symptoms listed above will start to develop.

When you feel yourself getting to this point, stop immediately. If someone tells you that you’re heading into this direction, listen to this person and get help. Keep in your mind that what’s done is done. Leave the divorce/breakup in the past. Thrive for a happy and healthy lifestyle.

3. Less time to meet new people 

Blaming can delay the process for meeting new people. Why lay around feeling sorry and blaming everything on the ex? There are over a billion people in this world, so don’t miss out on an opportunity because of blaming. If more time is needed, take the time to grieve. When the grieve period is over, and time is open for blame, get over it. When there is room for blaming, less time will be for meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right.

4. Can’t take notice to your actions 

There is a saying, it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break a relationship. In other words, there are two sides to every divorce/breakup. Too busy concentrating on one issue. Even though, a person didn’t betray their spouse or initiated the divorce/breakup, there were mistakes from both spouses. Start looking down the road and evaluate all mistakes not just from one spouse. Don’t sit to find solutions but evaluate the whole relationship from beginning to end. This is one way to grieve. This can be the most difficult part of healing. People can’t admit their wrongdoings. It’s easier to put all the blame on one person. A person who recognizes their mistakes is taking that one step towards healing.

After reading the reasons not to spend too much time blaming, let’s get started on learning how to let go. The marriage/relationship is over. Start learning how to let go, reconnect with your “old” self, get rid of depression, meet new people, and take responsibility for your own actions. Taking positive steps to recovery shows a bigger person is inside for growth and not just for pointing blame. You have officially been healed.

SealyPat is an aspiring writer and novelist. She is currently working on her first novel and attends Lehman College full-time majoring in Journalism. Twitter: @mrs_sealy.