With increased self-acceptance comes increased confidence. You have to make a choice to value your own worth. This is something which takes work…but it’s indeed worth the effort! Labeling yourself in a harsh or negative way because of a past occurrence (like a difficult breakup or divorce) can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety and depression.   As most of us know, bein...

With increased self-acceptance comes increased confidence. You have to make a choice to value your own worth. This is something which takes work…but it’s indeed worth the effort! Labeling yourself in a harsh or negative way because of a past occurrence (like a difficult breakup or divorce) can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety and depression.

As most of us know, being cruel to ourselves when we are feeling already vulnerable is not the most helpful way of getting to a more positive place. I help my clients to create new (often more compassionate) definitions of themselves which focus on their strengths instead of perceived weaknesses. In creating this new definition of self it is important to step back and question the negative labels and negative self-talk you may be engaging in on a daily basis. Try to think about what makes you special. What are you good at? What do people compliment you on? What makes you unique? What comes easily to you in life? Embrace who you are and try to become your biggest fan, even when things might be challenging or seem overwhelming.

If you evaluate your entire self on one aspect of your life (like a failed relationship), you are judging yourself in an unhelpful way. As human beings, it is important to remember that we are always in the process of changing, growing and developing. It’s not necessary to know all of the answers in the present moment. We are all on our own journeys of self-discovery. The more you value yourself and show yourself positivity, love and compassion, the more you will be able to live an abundant and authentic life.

Instead of calling yourself a globally negative label (i.e. “I’m a failure”, “I’m weak”, “I’m unlovable”, “I’m a loser”) try to assign a more accurate and strengths-based label to the specific action(s) or aspect(s) of yourself that you may be displeased with. As an example, instead of saying “I’m worthless”, specify exactly what you are displeased about by saying something to yourself like “I didn’t win the big promotion at work and feel disappointed in this decision.” Being more specific and avoiding all-encompassing negative labels acknowledges that you are a complex individual who is also capable of succeeding in the future. Who knows…perhaps an even bigger job opportunity is just around the corner!

Here is another example of the consequences of negative labeling: Joe Smith bases a great deal of his self-worth in his relationships with women and his popularity with those in his social circle. He often engages in negative self-talk by telling himself that he is “a loser” or a “total failure” if he feels he has somehow embarrassed himself on a first date. As a result, Joe often feels extremely tense and anxious before he goes out with women or in situations where he is meeting new people. Due to his limiting beliefs that he “must be perfect” in all of his social interactions, he experiences unhealthy negative emotions (such as shame, guilt and sadness) when his personal expectations are not fully met. Joe does not show himself much compassion and obsesses over his imperfections, labeling himself in a very harsh and limiting way. Joe was extremely focused on his imperfections and was unable to see his many strengths and positive attributes.

As human beings, it is important to remember we are fallible and are capable of both success and failure. We can fall short or make a mistake from time to time, but this does not make us inherently negative as a whole.

To ditch your negative labels, take a few minutes to think about the questions below:

• What negative labels or messages do I most often use about myself? (i.e. “I’m a total failure” or “I am inferior”)

• What are some good reasons to ditch these negative labels? (i.e. “I seem to feel sad when I call myself these things” or “I tend to avoid social outings because I feel I might look silly” or “I get so nervous at work that I feel paralyzed out of fear of saying the wrong things”)

• What are some healthier/more self-accepting alternative statements? (i.e. “Everyone makes a mistake at work, it’s normal” or “I can accept that I am less than perfect, I am capable of making errors and I can learn from these experiences to help me succeed in the future”)

Allison M. Lloyds, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert and founder of Synergetic Psychotherapy, a private practice for individuals and couples based in New York City. Allison is known for her practical advice, keen intellect and warm personality. Allison works with clients of all ages, but has unique experience and niche expertise working with those healing from a breakup or divorce. Allison's personal mission is to empower her clients to improve their emotional well-being, enhance their interpersonal relationships and to provide them with the tools necessary to live their best lives.