There are a lot of loose ends to tie up after a breakup, and that means contact with your ex. Give back their toothbrush, get back the books you lent, and so on. But sometimes this give-and-take goes too far. You have to step back and ask yourself, “Is this appropriate? Is this my responsibility?” It’s a touchy situation. We often feel so lost, helpless, and maybe just a little crazy that...
There are a lot of loose ends to tie up after a breakup, and that means contact with your ex. Give back their toothbrush, get back the books you lent, and so on. But sometimes this give-and-take goes too far. You have to step back and ask yourself, “Is this appropriate? Is this my responsibility?” It’s a touchy situation. We often feel so lost, helpless, and maybe just a little crazy that we have trouble asking ourselves these questions. The fact that you’re so familiar with your ex can lead you to say "yes" to things without thinking.
You know your ex well and likely had a lot in common. You know their strengths and weaknesses. For instance, my ex always needed a little encouragement after a disappointment at work. You may still feel the need to help them out because you understand them so well. Whether it’s a pep talk or going out of your way to help them with a chore, this isn’t your job anymore. Don’t let your ex exploit the fact that you are a caring, understanding, and considerate person. If they truly respect you and want to remain friends, they will understand that you need space and will not judge you harshly if you can’t make any plans with them. Maybe you’re not ready to eat with them at their favorite restaurant again or perhaps you’d prefer not to see mutual friends at the same time. It’s important not to cross your own boundaries.
Feel free to say "NO" if:
• Her parents are coming over and she wants you to have brunch with them. Her Dad always liked you.
• He wants help choosing a birthday present for his mother. You know his Mom's tastes so well.
• She wants help moving into a new place.
• He still wants to go to a mutual friend’s wedding together - but as friends.
• He wants you to come over to teach him how to make your famous chicken cacciatore.
• She wants you to come to a work function with her so she’s not alone.
Laying down some ground rules about interactions with your ex is a way of taking care of yourself after the breakup. It affirms and asserts your self-worth. No matter what you think you owe them, you owe yourself more.
Entertain worst case scenarios. Can you handle them? It’s all about living with yourself. Can you live with yourself if you don’t have brunch with your ex? Chances are you probably can. What if they say you’re being selfish or inconsiderate? This is precisely the time to be selfish. Give yourself what you need without the added judgment. Beating yourself up over the way you feel compounds negative feelings.
Did you agree to go to a movie with them for the wrong reason? Don’t lie to yourself about your expectations. You need to be your own ally now more than ever. If deep down you are expecting something to be rekindled by this experience, perhaps you haven’t made your decision carefully enough. Try wrapping your head around the idea that no matter how much time you spend with your ex, you won’t be getting back together. If that prospect stings too much, maybe it’s too soon to be friendly.
What ridiculous things has your ex asked you to do? Did you even realize in was inappropriate at the time? How did you handle it?
Sarah Rae received her MFA in writing in 2009 and is currently pursuing a Master of Arts in psychology. She lives and writes in Brooklyn. www.sarahrae.net
member comments
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