Most of us have read the book or seen the film, claiming to bring all of the mystery and unnecessary stress out of dating with one simple phrase; "He's Just Not That Into You". It seems like the dating answer many women have been waiting for. Although empowering on many levels, the book's one dimensional approach to male dating behavior may leave its readers with only more unanswered questions.
The underlying idea in the book is that a man will ask you out no matter what the situation is in his life IF he is into you ENOUGH. Without overanalyzing the parameters of what "enough" could mean, let us try to explore this principle just as simply, but perhaps with a little more depth and understanding.
For example, one of the book's chapters states the following: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Not Asking You Out.
This presumption seems obviously true when read in a simple commanding sentence; however, is the "exception" so uncommon that we are to trust in the statement's validity no matter what the circumstance? While conducting a very unscientific study (one that the book uses frequently) the opposite was found to be true when combing the internet for personal dating accounts. Many men expressed that there had been a great number of circumstances in which they very much wanted to ask a particular woman out, however, circumstances simply did not provide an opportunity to do so. It was not simply a matter of the men not liking the women, in fact, some men expressed being "crazy" about their love interests, however, situations such as family troubles, hardships and stressful work situations would not allow for a relationship to develop regardless of how interested they were.
The author of He's Just Not That Into You, Greg Behrendt, explains that no matter what the circumstance is, if a man is into you eventually he will ask you out. Therefore, we the readers are to expect that any reason or "excuse" is simply not enough and the man in question, for whatever reason, just isn't available emotionally for us. The message of empowering yourself as a woman to not accept anything less than a man who is head over heels for you is certainly positive; however, men are not so simply explained.
After asking various men about their experiences and reading about what they had to say about the book's message, more men seem to be saying the opposite. The resounding message from both men and women as well clearly states that dating is almost always routed in the provided circumstance. Granted that attraction will happen whether or not we are "ready" for it, both the book and the dating public seem to agree that there is a difference between being ready and being willing to open your life and your heart to another completely. Behrendt highlights this idea in the way that he suggests women be patient and wait for the right man to ask them out. However, regardless of how patient someone is and even if the other person does in fact want to ask them out, for reasons that indicate they may not be so "willing" to date at the moment, they may never do so.
People are complicated beings; we often want things which we will never seek out due to fear or any other variable affecting our lives. Behrendt suggests that if a man is really "into" a woman, he will find a way to get through these obstacles. But why would any man do that for someone he hardly knows? This is not to say that men will not make sacrifices to get what they want, but that with dating it takes more than sheer will to ask someone out and there are other forces at play.
The silver lining here is that any man who asks you out is obviously interested. Whether they are interested in a relationship, however, is what makes dating a delicate game of trial and error. If you are interested in a man, it seems that the feeling is mutual, and yet he never asks you out, do not count it as an opportunity lost. Odds are that even if he was able to overcome whatever was holding him back, those circumstances would persist and the relationship would probably not have lasted anyway. After all, there is some validity to the book's principles if you use them as a dating guide instead of the rules.
Megan Sullivan is a freelance writer and comedian residing in Los Angeles.
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