Divorce is painful for everyone, and it’s no secret that kids are innocent victims. While it’s not possible to protect them from your breakup, there are ways to make it a bit easier for all concerned. Some of the things you can do are to spend extra time with them, and to remind them it’s not their fault. Never withhold time with the kids from your ex to punish him/her. Right now ...

Divorce is painful for everyone, and it’s no secret that kids are innocent victims. While it’s not possible to protect them from your breakup, there are ways to make it a bit easier for all concerned. Some of the things you can do are to spend extra time with them, and to remind them it’s not their fault. Never withhold time with the kids from your ex to punish him/her.

Right now they need to know that both parents are there for them, even though you are no longer there for each other the way you used to be. Even if you are convinced your ex is the worst person in the world, he/she is still their parent. Complaining about your ex to your kids forces them to take sides in the argument. It may make you feel good to have them on your side today, but the price they pay is not worth it. If you must complain, do it to a neutral friend and not within your kid’s hearing.

Be Honest

Most parents are well aware that children can be very intuitive. They sense when something is wrong, even when you think you are protecting them. When separating, honesty is the best policy. There’s no sense lying to your child about your feelings—even when you’re devastated. Be as honest with your kids as their age level and understanding allows. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Let them know unequivocally that they are not at fault, and that you are there for them. Tell them the truth about this being one of the worst things you have ever been through, but that the hard times will pass. Give them the chance to be there for you. Emotional support that works both ways will benefit all concerned and help your children grow up to be emotionally available adults.

Suit Up and Show Up

When going through a painful breakup, it’s tempting to crawl under the covers and stay there. Don’t. There is nothing more terrifying to a child than the fear that a parent has lost their grip. Many kids will be overwhelmed by their perceived responsibility to parent the parent. When they are unable to do that, kids may feel as though they have failed. They need to know that you can take care of yourself and them. Real self-care means you show up when you have to, but also give yourself time to heal, so keep the extra-curriculars to a minimum. Consider trading your Pilates class for a bike ride with your kids. They’ll get the message that you can feel badly and still take care of business.

Never, Ever Play Tug-O-War

Kids want to take sides. They want to decide who’s right and stick up for the injured party. The truth is, it can feel wonderful to be chosen over your ex. It’s imperative not to buy into it. When your kids take sides, kindly remind them that the breakup was not any one person’s fault. Remind them that you both love your kids and will always be there for them. And no matter how crazy your ex gets you, or how wrong you know they are, don’t ever share your disparaging feelings with your kids. By splitting up, you have both fallen off the pedestals your kids naturally place you on. They are trying to come to terms with the fact that Mom and Dad are not only less than perfect, but have serious problems. They need time to adjust to their new reality, not more reminders of their parents’ shortcomings. On the other hand, kindness between the two of you will go a long way towards re-establishing some of the feelings of security they lost.

Karen O'Connor is a twice-married (once divorced) mother of two teens, and lives with her family and two dogs in Queens, New York. Although a life-long hobby, in the past few years Karen has embraced her true calling to be a writer. In addition to web articles on Bounceback.com, Karen is an avid screenwriter and blogs about the craft on her website at karenlovestv.com. She is also in the process of writing her first novel.